Zooey Deschanel: My Wife

Taking a break from what I normally write about, I'd like to bring your attention to my wife, Zooey Deschanel.

As you can plainly see, she is gorgeous. So gorgeous, in fact, that she makes Beyonce look just "alright" in comparison blows that skank Megan Fox out of the fucking water to the point where she will land on the fucking moon, leaving a new crater on its surface. Her eyes alone are more beautiful than most girls in their entirety and her hair is goddess status with those irresistible bangs. Just look at that face goddammit! 

It also doesn't hurt that she's a talented musician and actress. I actually first met her backstage at the Golden Globes when she was nominated and she thought I was so phenomenally attractive that she made plans to marry me that same night, but that's besides the point. She's in the band She and Him in case you don't know, and she positively owns

Her deep and distinct voice recalls old jazz singers and offsets her delicate beauty. She was also the cute girl in Elf and (500) Days of Summer and she stars in the television series New Girl. I will always love her, and if she cheats on me I will simply dispatch my assailant and we will continue to be happily married. Our babies will be beautiful and will grow up to be epic athletes or some shit like that because Zooey's genes will be dominant and my lame genes will be recessive and won't be able to compete whatsoever with Zooey's genetic might. When we are old and I'm shriveled like a prune with disgusting hair coming out of my nose and ears and my pants are so high-wasted that I appear to be eaten alive by them, she will be so well preserved that if she were to stand next to me on camera on live TV, her beauty contrasted with my ugliness will be so exponential that no one will ever get laid again. That totally makes sense if you think about it. In short, I love my wife, and no, I don't share :)